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Dec. 23rd, 2001 12:02 pmWell, i'm back. Trust me, you've missed very little.
Highlights included:
Wrestling a gigantic python with fangs in my subconcious. Freud, paging Dr. Freud...to anyone who's seen me in person, isn't this a hilarious image? It would look like Graham Chapman wrestling himself. Next i'll probably have dreams where i eat hot dogs that stretch off into the horizon or try and pump gas and i can't get the nozzle to reach the gas tank.
Getting stopped by the local PD on suspicion of driving while intoxicated (his reason being was that i was driving 25 in a 35 mph zone). It was more like driving while exhausted. and try explaining to the cops why you have an Indiana license and Virginia plates when you've gone 3 days on very little sleep. Taking a breathalizer at 1:30 am-- a priceless moment, i'll tell you! lucky for me he didn't make me do a sobriety test because i definitely would've failed it- i was whacked-out tired. I still read all of Diva by Delacorta in one sitting when i came home. Good book, i liked it muchly.
A fervent plea to Goddess above to erase all knowledge of the story "Right Beside You" from my brain. I have brillo pads and a scalpel, i can do it right now if you like.
A couple of online meltdowns, including a spectacular one in chat with Beth and Vali. Guys, i'm sorry about that. Holiday and everything stress, but i'm feeling a lot better now.
Vali kind of helped me put it all in perspective: you've got a loving family, great friends, a girlfriend who's nuts about you, a sweet kitty, a swingin' pad w/o any critter infestations, are going back to school in a couple of weeks and managed to land a swell job with decent pay and a nice benefits package to boot in a time of increasing national economic woes. So be happy for god's sake!
i guess from the way my brain was acting last week it all feels so precarious, the job situation i mean. i felt like at any moment they were going to call me back and say "oops, sorry, we made a mistake-- can't hire anyone right now..." i feel like i'm tottering, and right now i'm leaning towards everything being excellent and it's been a little scary because everything still feels up in the air. hearing that i've got a lot of good in my life didn't help while i was going through a monster sleep dep and PMS rageathon.
Jeez, i can't be happy if i try, can't i? It's not that, exactly. it's like everything's going great and here's how my brain works: well, let's see...you could screw up on the job, fail your classes, your girlfriend will wake up one morning and realize you suck, you could not get your paycheck and get evicted from your apt, which you just burned down last week because you forgot to turn the stove off and your poor kitty can't turn doorknobs.
Is any of this going to happen? Nooooo...especially not the last part. I spend too much of my time obsessively checking and rechecking all electrical appliances to make sure they're off before i leave. i have all kinds of horrible scenarios that go through my head. Caring for wee kitties i love, but i worry so much i know i could never have kids now. i'd be constantly waking them up to make sure they're still breathing they'd drop from exhaustion.
Worry. I'm GOOD at worry! But i'm going to try to level off a tad. My outlook on life is remarkably improved with a day or two of solid sleep under my belt. The world doesn't feel like it's going to crumble under my feet, at any rate. I signed paperwork for the Gary job on Thursday, which helped. it was like until then the job was some abstract concept. Funny thing: at Speedway i told them one of the perks was free dental and my mgr looked at me incredulously and said, "you need dental insurance?" well, no, not now...that's why it's called in-sur-ance... i guess she figured the military would be taking care of that (shyeah). i hope she was thinking that-- no one could be that stupid and not drown in her own fluids.
So basically one of the things i have to work on in my life is to not be afraid of success. i think part of me, while not afraid of it, is worried that karma will find a way of paying me back for my good fortune. one of the worst things to think is: look how far you have to fall NOW! because successful people don't think like that.
do they? I hope not-- or maybe they do, which explains including cocaine as a deductible expense...but i don't want to be like that. i've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now, and being successful and happy is a lot like life where you need constant maintenance (constant vigilance! eek) otherwise ten years will go by and you'll wonder where the time went and why you haven't gone anywhere. That doesn't count for people who actively work at being successful, shoot for the moon and miss, but it's like that for me. i have to constantly work. it's good work, but you have to stay on top of it, like cleaning your apt or answering email, otherwise it'll get out from under you. i try everyday not to take anything for granted, but sometimes i go too far the other way and lose a little bit of the joy in life by worrying that everything that's good will leave me.
so Fri night while waiting for Vali to come over i cleaned the apt, made dinner, took a nice hot shower and put in an MST tape and hung out for a little bit. (Life feels better when you're apt's clean, doesn't it?) it was nice and warm inside, all snuggly, Sophie was conked out on the recliner with one of her toys beside her, and i let myself feel really content and not feel guilty about it for a change. Life isn't going to hell and i'm on the right track. i made the right decisions after a couple of initial mistakes i chalk up to life experience, and now you have to look into the future and not be afraid of it. it's corny but it's true.
And i got presents! LOTS of presents! No way i was this good this year. Vali got me a Snapey doll! hello. he's such a screaming queen: he looks like a cross between Tallulah Bankhead and Trent Reznor, complete with arched eyebrow. Masterful Professor of Potions indeed! His superpowers leave much to be desired though-- he comes with three teeny glasses that his hands can't even grip. what, does he juggle? his flowing robes are quite nice, though.
And Mom got me way too much (as usual). amongst the loot: a webcam, lovely warm clothes, and phonecards so errant daughters will stay in touch. and from Shelly, a book of lesbian vampire stories. you do know that any charge i may get out of reading them will be rendered null and void by the sender.
finally, i finished baking all my cookies. to the tune of And Now For Something Completely Different (thank you Mom!) i made a lot of cookies this year. this is not the time of year to lose weight! Eat up, chop chop!
Highlights included:
Wrestling a gigantic python with fangs in my subconcious. Freud, paging Dr. Freud...to anyone who's seen me in person, isn't this a hilarious image? It would look like Graham Chapman wrestling himself. Next i'll probably have dreams where i eat hot dogs that stretch off into the horizon or try and pump gas and i can't get the nozzle to reach the gas tank.
Getting stopped by the local PD on suspicion of driving while intoxicated (his reason being was that i was driving 25 in a 35 mph zone). It was more like driving while exhausted. and try explaining to the cops why you have an Indiana license and Virginia plates when you've gone 3 days on very little sleep. Taking a breathalizer at 1:30 am-- a priceless moment, i'll tell you! lucky for me he didn't make me do a sobriety test because i definitely would've failed it- i was whacked-out tired. I still read all of Diva by Delacorta in one sitting when i came home. Good book, i liked it muchly.
A fervent plea to Goddess above to erase all knowledge of the story "Right Beside You" from my brain. I have brillo pads and a scalpel, i can do it right now if you like.
A couple of online meltdowns, including a spectacular one in chat with Beth and Vali. Guys, i'm sorry about that. Holiday and everything stress, but i'm feeling a lot better now.
Vali kind of helped me put it all in perspective: you've got a loving family, great friends, a girlfriend who's nuts about you, a sweet kitty, a swingin' pad w/o any critter infestations, are going back to school in a couple of weeks and managed to land a swell job with decent pay and a nice benefits package to boot in a time of increasing national economic woes. So be happy for god's sake!
i guess from the way my brain was acting last week it all feels so precarious, the job situation i mean. i felt like at any moment they were going to call me back and say "oops, sorry, we made a mistake-- can't hire anyone right now..." i feel like i'm tottering, and right now i'm leaning towards everything being excellent and it's been a little scary because everything still feels up in the air. hearing that i've got a lot of good in my life didn't help while i was going through a monster sleep dep and PMS rageathon.
Jeez, i can't be happy if i try, can't i? It's not that, exactly. it's like everything's going great and here's how my brain works: well, let's see...you could screw up on the job, fail your classes, your girlfriend will wake up one morning and realize you suck, you could not get your paycheck and get evicted from your apt, which you just burned down last week because you forgot to turn the stove off and your poor kitty can't turn doorknobs.
Is any of this going to happen? Nooooo...especially not the last part. I spend too much of my time obsessively checking and rechecking all electrical appliances to make sure they're off before i leave. i have all kinds of horrible scenarios that go through my head. Caring for wee kitties i love, but i worry so much i know i could never have kids now. i'd be constantly waking them up to make sure they're still breathing they'd drop from exhaustion.
Worry. I'm GOOD at worry! But i'm going to try to level off a tad. My outlook on life is remarkably improved with a day or two of solid sleep under my belt. The world doesn't feel like it's going to crumble under my feet, at any rate. I signed paperwork for the Gary job on Thursday, which helped. it was like until then the job was some abstract concept. Funny thing: at Speedway i told them one of the perks was free dental and my mgr looked at me incredulously and said, "you need dental insurance?" well, no, not now...that's why it's called in-sur-ance... i guess she figured the military would be taking care of that (shyeah). i hope she was thinking that-- no one could be that stupid and not drown in her own fluids.
So basically one of the things i have to work on in my life is to not be afraid of success. i think part of me, while not afraid of it, is worried that karma will find a way of paying me back for my good fortune. one of the worst things to think is: look how far you have to fall NOW! because successful people don't think like that.
do they? I hope not-- or maybe they do, which explains including cocaine as a deductible expense...but i don't want to be like that. i've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now, and being successful and happy is a lot like life where you need constant maintenance (constant vigilance! eek) otherwise ten years will go by and you'll wonder where the time went and why you haven't gone anywhere. That doesn't count for people who actively work at being successful, shoot for the moon and miss, but it's like that for me. i have to constantly work. it's good work, but you have to stay on top of it, like cleaning your apt or answering email, otherwise it'll get out from under you. i try everyday not to take anything for granted, but sometimes i go too far the other way and lose a little bit of the joy in life by worrying that everything that's good will leave me.
so Fri night while waiting for Vali to come over i cleaned the apt, made dinner, took a nice hot shower and put in an MST tape and hung out for a little bit. (Life feels better when you're apt's clean, doesn't it?) it was nice and warm inside, all snuggly, Sophie was conked out on the recliner with one of her toys beside her, and i let myself feel really content and not feel guilty about it for a change. Life isn't going to hell and i'm on the right track. i made the right decisions after a couple of initial mistakes i chalk up to life experience, and now you have to look into the future and not be afraid of it. it's corny but it's true.
And i got presents! LOTS of presents! No way i was this good this year. Vali got me a Snapey doll! hello. he's such a screaming queen: he looks like a cross between Tallulah Bankhead and Trent Reznor, complete with arched eyebrow. Masterful Professor of Potions indeed! His superpowers leave much to be desired though-- he comes with three teeny glasses that his hands can't even grip. what, does he juggle? his flowing robes are quite nice, though.
And Mom got me way too much (as usual). amongst the loot: a webcam, lovely warm clothes, and phonecards so errant daughters will stay in touch. and from Shelly, a book of lesbian vampire stories. you do know that any charge i may get out of reading them will be rendered null and void by the sender.
finally, i finished baking all my cookies. to the tune of And Now For Something Completely Different (thank you Mom!) i made a lot of cookies this year. this is not the time of year to lose weight! Eat up, chop chop!
